Anger management therapy ... How to control anger in angry time

 Anger.....

Anger is one of the more destructive emotions that most of us find problematic. Throughout history, anger, along with other emotions like greed and jealousy, have been declared as evil and the greatest barriers to achieving one’s full potential. For example, the Bhagavad Gita says “Lust, anger and greed, these three are the soul-destroying gates of hell” and a Chinese proverb goes “If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” The Bible speaks of anger as a gateway to sin; the verse James 1:20 states “Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.”

What is anger?

Anger is a mental and physical state that emerges from the belief that someone has unfairly wronged you. It contains an intention to hurt others and use aggression to manage what hurt you in the first place. In other words, you experience a threat to something you value – you feel attacked and then prepare to fight and protect it. This tendency may restore a sense of safety and security. Anger is often directed toward particular people but it can be directed toward objects, unknown people, and even yourself.

Signs of anger and aggression: Anger puts your body and mind in a “fight” mode (as opposed to flight or freeze) which involves tightening of muscles, narrowed and biased thinking, clenched jaws, clenched fists, reddened face, aggressive stances, and typical angry facial expressions. Aggression is a relatively rare type of forceful behavior that occurs in the anger state.

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Most of us experience reactive anger/aggression when an incident puts a burden on us, we lose something, or we realize that someone neglected us when they shouldn’t have. Anger also emerges from frustration and unmet expectations from both people and objects. Contrary to what we see in fear and phobias, angry people and their targets are motivated to approach each other. The downside to anger is that it is psychologically and socially costly and we use it even when we cannot afford it. That’s why we need to learn how to manage anger. The upside to anger is that it can help you improve mutual care, resolve conflicts, and foster compassion by redefining a relationship.

Researchers say “Patients with anger management problems tend to be unreflective patients who externalize blame for their problems with impulse control.” and they acknowledge that there is an empathetic (theory of mind) side to anger management.

The Recalibration Theory of Anger

Drawing examples from animal studies, human evolution, and social psychology, researcher propose a robust theory of anger that explains most of our angry behavior. It explains why we feel angry, why we behave the way we do when we are angry, and how we manage our anger. Researchers call this the Recalibration theory of anger.

Simply put, The Recalibration Theory of Anger states that an anger system evolved in humans to bargain for better treatment from others. In other words, we get angry because we are dissatisfied with how we think others treat us, and anger functions as a way to change that treatment (or re-calibrate others). Our anger comes as a response to someone not giving importance to our welfare. Since it is a belief, it can be irrational. Anger doesn’t force others to change, it is merely an attempt to negotiate a change. This theory gives credence to the idea “behind all anger lies hurt and disrespect.”

• If your friend breaks your laptop due to carelessness, your anger would probably be high, but if it broke in an accident, your anger would be less intense.
• If you are on hold at a shopping counter because the cashier is busy chatting with others, you might feel more enraged than when he requests you to wait to attend to an urgent phone call.

The theory describes 2 stages of anger.

The first stage of anger involves initiating anger and interrogating the other person over the conflict. The second stage of anger involves bargaining, negotiating, threats, and a display of aggression after learning that the welfare trade-off ratio was low. Together, both of these stages attempt to re-calibrate someone else’s behavior in your favor. The angry person’s end goal is usually to modify someone else’s behavior (not inflict harm) and anger may sustain until that behavior is changed or the welfare neglect is no longer important. This is one of the reasons why time heals anger, as the farther you go into the future, the more distant the emotions become and distant emotions have lower significance.

Stage 1 of anger: Interrogation and insults

The angry individual first displays anger and hostility to a target individual who had supposedly neglected the angry individual’s welfare. The angry person then interrogates and fights over the event that triggered the anger. This stage typically involves insults, blaming, passive-aggressive remarks, information-seeking questions, hurtful statements, and rhetorical questions like “What is wrong with you?” and “Do I look stupid to you?”

When the target individual reveals more information about the anger-inducing event, the angry person often learns that his welfare was indeed neglected. This leads to an escalation in anger and the angry person transitions into the second stage of anger.

Exiting stage 1: Occasionally, upon interrogation and initial displays of anger, the angry person learns that the target did not really ignore the welfare but made a reasonable trade-off between what the angry person could lose (welfare and importance) and the target could gain (avoid some loss or gain some benefit). If this trade-off is justified, the angry person cools down.

Another common exit strategy is to demand an apology and request a promise to not neglect welfare or confer heavy costs on the angry individual.

Stage 2 of anger: Bargaining for better treatment

After the revelation/confirmation of the belief “you disregarded my welfare,” anger escalates. The angry individual begins to threaten and impose a cost on the target individual. These threats, ultimatums, and costs may be the withdrawal of benefits such as break-ups, breaks, and no sex or they can be declarations of harm such as hitting, tit-for-tat, verbal abuses, and insults. People directly use these behaviors to change the welfare trade-off ratio. That means angry behaviors have evolved to bargain for a change in other’s behavior

Exiting stage 2: People often let anger escalate to try and get what they want because it worked for them before – anger becomes rewarding. This is analogous to acting out and is commonly seen in both children and adults. A healthy outcome of attempts to recalibrate others is that some displays of anger do lead to mutually beneficial welfare trade-off ratios. So the outcome of a fight leads to a commitment to change behavior that the target person agrees to. The cost of change that the angry person inflicts on the target person is deemed reasonable.

Coping with anger: Anger management techniques and Anger control

Anger management is hard because you can fail to modify others’ behavior or persuade them to value you more. Other’s may pay a hefty price to consider your welfare above their own. So it’s important to know how to manage anger and reduce the price others have to pay. Here are 10 ways to control/reduce your anger and resolve it.

How to manage other people’s anger

Based on the recalibration theory of anger, there are 2 easy strategies that can help us manage anger in others.

1. Identify and address the underlying behavior the angry person expects from you. Feelings of anger are just mechanisms to persuade you to consider the angry person’s welfare. Instead of fixating on anger, focus on what price you can afford to pay for their welfare and how you can reach a reasonable middle ground.
2. Tolerate the anger spell till they reveal the underlying disappointments and hurt. Then, re-negotiate what you can do in your capacity to help others feel they are valued.

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How to manage your anger

1. Withdraw yourself from the situation and wait till you can communicate your hurt/disappointment/expectation healthily so you can attempt to explain what you didn’t like about their behavior. Tell the target of anger that you will get back to the core problem later.
2. Divert your mind with physical maintenance. Wash your face, brush your teeth, change your clothes, or even stretch your body as a diversion from your thoughts.
3. Use empathy to understand the burden of anger on others and how they might deal with your demands.
4. Use the 4–7–8 breathing technique – Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, exhale for 8. A few times is enough. Regular deep breathing is also fine if this is too hard. Try a 3–6–5 routine. Use a timer and watch the seconds move. Structured deep breathing is an excellent way to calm down and reduce perceived pain.
5. Use the 5–4–3–2–1 sensory grounding mindfulness technique. Notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste. Use this to snap out of it.
6. Listen to music, close your eyes, and get into the groove. Of all possible things we can do, only music has the power to regulate every aspect of our body and mind, and heavy metal may be perfect for anger management. Anger consumes all of “you”, so use music to diffuse it.
7. Avoid venting your emotions on the target. Avoid letting it all out in a bang. Don’t try to release your anger through aggressive actions. These behaviors amplify anger, not reduce it. Catharsis is often not the solution, nor is venting on social media. However, honest conversations can help.
8. Engage your body in dance or exercise. Do any activity that disconnects your body from your mind because anger binds your mind and body in a specific state. Anger is a complex emotion built out of aggressive intimidation “stances” – tightening of muscles, closing of fists, locking eyes, clenched jaws, etc. When you disconnect your body, you kill the feedback channels between your biology and thought processes that feed each other.
9. Focus on what is behind the anger & fear – is there any insecurity, disappointment, personal problem, are you misattributing another issue to anger? Communicate that instead of lashing out.
10. If you are perpetually angry, think about what you do not want to lose. Anger can strain all sorts of relationships, compromise physical health, mental health, reduce productivity, and even reduce self-respect and others’ respect for you. Bargaining for personal welfare may not be the best option unless you do it respectfully.